Remembering Olivia
by JESSting123
Summary: Four years. Four years since they had lost their sister, daughter, love and mother. And now they're remembering Olivia. EO AU Continuing because I love you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** Nope not mine. The poem isn't even mine. I'm not sure who's it is but it's on my grandfather's headstone so I usd it. Sucks don't it? Yea, I know it does.**

**Author's Note:**** You're all going to hate me for this. You really are. I hate myself for it. But I couldn't get it out of my head and there was going to be no way for me to update my other stories until I wrote and posted it. I might continue if everyone wants me to. If not, well this will be a oneshot. Read and review everybody!**

**Luvins,**

**Jess**

**EO LOVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Four years. Four years since they had lost her. Four years since John Munch, Fin Tutuola, Casey Novak, Alex Cabot and Melinda Warner lost their 'sister.' Four years since Don Cragen lost his 'daughter.' Four years since Elliot Stabler lost his heart. And four years since Matthew Elliot Benson-Stabler lost his mother.

**July 17, 2011**

**7:15 AM**

**1-6 Precinct**

**Special Victims Unit Squadroom**

"Grandpaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Whoa there Squirt! I need to keep my eardrumbs please." I laugh as I pick up my six year old grandson.

"Guess what?!?!"

"What?" I raise my eyebrows at the boy and smile when he grins excitedly.

"Uncle Ellie's takin' me to see Mommy when he goes on his lunch break. I made her presents."

"Oh yeah? That sounds really fun Mattie." Tears fill my eyes at the memory of my daughter and I have to swallow and squeeze my eyes shut for a second to make sure they don't fall.

"Yep! Uncle Ellie says that he thinks she'll be able to hear me in Heaven if I talk to her too! Do you want me to tell her hi for you?"

"Yea Matthew. Tell her hi and I love her for me, okay?" He nods and big brown eyes identical to his mother's sparkle when he smiles. Matthew, or Mattie as we usually call him, looks like a clone of his mother. He has big almond shaped brown eyes, medium brown hair that he keeps cut close to his scalp identical to Elliot's, olive toned skin, soft features and the brightest smile you'll ever see in your life.

"Mattie? Come on Buddy. We gotta get you down to day-care so Uncle El and Grandpa can get to work." Elliot is almost the same as he's always been when he steps into my office but, just like everyday for the past four years, the butane spark of his eyes is gone and they look dull and grey. He seems worse today, but it's understandable since it's the anniversary of her death. I'm fairly positive Mattie and his other four kids are the only things keeping him alive at this point.

Everyone knows that Matthew is Elliot's son, except Mattie that is. She never out right told anyone except Casey, Alex and Melinda but we all had our suspicions. And after she died Elliot took custody of Mattie, changed his last name from Benson to Benson-Stabler and told us all that our suspicions were correct. Elliot doesn't want to tell Mattie though because all his life he has believed that his father died in a car crash. Elliot said they decided that was best so they didn't have to explain why his mommy and daddy didn't live together and so that they wouldn't have to explain things to the squad. I personally thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life but no one listens to what I think.

I wasn't really angry with Elliot after that. I knew they loved each other. Hell, I knew they were sleeping together. Not purposely mind you, but I had the unfortunate accident of calling Elliot one night at about midnight, talking and when I was ready to hang up I heard a beep like he had hit a number instead of the end button and then I heard voices. His and a woman's. A woman's I knew. My daughter's voice. Then I heard moaning, panting and my daughter, "Damn. He sure as hell has shitty timing doesn't he? I was just about to cum, too." Yea, I hung up faster than Earnhardt Jr. passing Gordon at Indy 500.

"Allright! I gotta go Grandpa. I'll make sure I remember to tell Mommy that stuff for you and I'll be extra good for Melany at day-care today. I promise she won't have to call you and complain again!" I laugh and nod, rubbing his head and scooting him towards the door.

"Okay Squirt. You have fun today and call me tonight before you go to bed. Maybe we can go to lunch tomorrow." He grins, nods and scampers off with Elliot, both of them waving goodbye.

**July 17, 2011**

**12:30 PM**

**Garden Of Memories**

**Fallen NYPD Policemen Memorial Wall**

He's standing there, about twenty feet away from me and I can see his lips moving and I can tell he's whispering and he's smiling and he's laying the picture he painted, it's of her in the sky with a halo and us playing basketball on what looks like blacktop, on the marble headstone. This is the third year we've come here on the anniversary of her death and just like always he's made me go away so he can, 'whisper with his guardian angel Mommy.' That's what he's always told me. God, thank you for this boy.

Mattie is truly my sanity. I've promised myself to tell him he's my son once he turns eight. Or maybe nine. Or ten. Ah, Hell, I don't know. I just know I will. She would've wanted me to. I just know she would've. We may have only had a year together but it was the best year of my life and I think it was the best of her's too.

We got together a few months after Kathy and I split up and we broke up when Mattie was three weeks old. I felt like shit because it was my fault. I cheated. I got drunk over a case where a three week old baby boy was killed, we had a fight and I cheated on her with Kathy. Jesus, I still feel like shit because I know that even if it would've been someone else we probably could've worked it out. But when she found out I cheated with _Kathy_, my _ex-wife_, she started to doubt herself and my love for her. So we broke up, decided what was best for Mattie, and had stayed just friends for almost two years when she died.

"Okay, Uncle Elliot! I'm all done! I'm going to go to the car. Hurry up! You promised me we could go to Dairy Queen when we got done!" I nod at him and watch as he walks back to the car, gets in and locks it, then I make my way up to the grave.

"Hey Babe. Hope you're havin' fun up there. Mattie's gettin' really big. He looks just like you. Sometimes it's even hard to look at him because he looks so much like you. But then he says something to me and he makes me smile and I absolutely can't help but love him even more than I already did. He keeps a couple pictures of you by his bed. There's that one we took the day he was born, and you're sitting on my lap and holding him. He loves it. And he keeps that one that we took at the park with him a couple weeks before you died. You know, the one where he's on the swings and you're behind him, pushing him. Yea, he loves that one too. He learned how to ride a two wheeler without his training wheels last month. And he's getting really good at basketball. What can I say, it runs in the Stabler genes. I'm thinking about telling him he's my son. I just don't know how. God I miss you so much. You could've done everything so much better than me. I'm so sorry Baby. I love you." I sigh and place a long stemmed rose on the tombstone and kiss my fingers, placing them against her name. I then read the poem I wrote and had engraved, the usual script, the dates and her name engraved along the marble stone.

_If Tears Could Build A Stairway_

_If tears could build a stairway_

_and memories a lane_

_I would walk right up to Heaven_

_and bring you back again_

_No farewell words were spoken_

_No time to say "Goodbye"_

_You were gone before I knew it_

_and only God knows why_

_My heart still aches with sadness_

_and secret tears still flow_

_What it meant to love you-_

_No one can ever know_

_But now I know you want me_

_to mourn for you no more_

_To remember all the happy times_

_life still has much in store_

_Since you'll never be forgotten_

_I pledge to you today-_

_A hollowed place within my heart_

_is where you'll always stay_

_**Loving mother, friend and police woman**_

_**You will always be remembered**_

_**August 25, 1967 - July 17, 2007**_

_**Olivia Marie Benson**_

**Author's Note2:**** I was just going to use her name instead of "she" and "her" throughout the story because I knew you'd all know who it was anyway since (1. it's me writing and who else do I write about and 2. I put Mattie's full name) but I figured you'd get the full experience of the memories being so painful that they can't even think of her name without bursting into sobs. SOOO...yea. If I continue I'll explain how she died, what all happened with Liv n El, what happened when El cheated, what happened with Mattie and maybe I can make you not so mad at me. I do have my ways. So R&R my pretties!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Uncle El! Look at this!" I screech at my uncle as we pass a big car crash thingy. There's six cars, two blue, one black, one red and two green, all piled up against each other on the other side of the road and there's a bunch of fire and firemen with water hoses and police cars like the ones that Uncle El and Grandpa Don call 'beat cops' drive. The ones with the writing, not the black ones that Uncle El drives.

"Yea, Mattie. That's a pretty big crash isn't it?" He asks me like I'm Ollie and Livvy's age. Ollie and Livvy are my cousins. They're three. Their mommy is Aunt Casey and their daddy is Uncle Munchie. I call Livvy and Ollie Munchkins because Uncle El says munchkins are kids and since Ollie and Livvy's last name is Munch I think it sounds right. Anyways, I decide I should probably answer Uncle El.

"Yep. It's big. I hope the people are okay. I don't like it when people get hurt. Like Ollie fell off his tricycle last week when I stayed all night with Aunt Casey and Uncle Munchie. He cried 'cause he got a big bloody cut on his knee. I felt bad for him so I gave him my popsicle." Aunt Casey always says I'm the nicest cousin ever. I don't know if it's true but I like it because when she does she gives me a kiss. And Aunt Casey is really hot. At least that's what Uncle Munch calls her.

"So do you feel better now that you've got your ice cream?"

"Uh-huh. It's good. I got Mommy's favorite. Cookie dough with chocolate ice cream. I wanna be like Mommy when I grow up. Grandpa Don tells me stories about her. Like how she always helped people and how she loved kids." I take a big bite out of blizzard and when I'm done swallowing I tell Uncle El, "I miss Mommy. Can we watch one of our videos when we get home?"

Uncle El has a bunch of videos of me and him and Mommy and sometimes other people in our family. I like watching them because Mommy is so pretty and nice and Uncle El always says I look and act just like her. I like that. I want to be just like her.

"Sure Matt. We'll watch some as soon as we get home." We were really lucky today because Grandpa Don told Uncle El that he could have the rest of the week off. And it's only Tuesday!

When we get home I change into a pair of basketball shorts and one of Mommy's old shirts. It says NYPD on the front and Benson on the back. I love wearing Mommy's shirts. They're a little big on me but not too much because Mommy was so skinny. I have seven of them, three are NYPD ones, two are New York City ones and one has buttons on it and it's dark blue with light blue stripes.

"Alright Mattie, which one do you want to watch?" I walk over to the TV and look at the DVD cases. Hmm...me and Mommy when I was a baby. Me and Mommy at my first Christmas. Me and Mommy on my first birthday. Me and Mommy at the park. Me and Mommy at the bowling alley. Me and Mommy skating. Oh! Me and Mommy at my second birthday party! That was the last one we did before Mommy died.

"My second birthday party."

"Alright."

_**Video Begins**_

_"Hey Elliot! Say hi Matthew!" Olivia's holding Mattie on an over sized easy-chair. She's grinning and waving at the camera, which Elliot is operating._

_"Hi Unca Elwiot! It's my burtday!"_

_"I know Mattie! What are you doing for your party?" Yo can hear Elliot from behind the camera and Mattie grins._

_"You know what I doin' Unca El! Ew an Mommy are takin' me ta the pwecinct an we gonna have cake an ice cweam an I gonna get pweasents!" Elliot and Olivia laugh and Liv swings Mattie around on her lap so he's resting on her hip and gets up. She walks over to the radio and turns it on. The station is country and a jivey song comes on so she starts dancing with Mattie, kissing his nose and grinning from ear to ear._

_"What song is this Mattie?" She asks, smiling at her son._

_"Bwand New Guwlfwiend! Duh Mommy! Ebrybody knowsed dat!"_

_"Mattie! Dad! Liv! We're here!" Maureen, Kathleen, Elizabeth, Richard and Maureen's boyfriend Chad walk into the room and wave at Liv and Mattie, then the camera._

_"You guys ready?" Elliot asks._

_"Yea, but come over here we need a shot with Uncle El and company." Liv says. Elliot passes the camera to Chad and walks to Liv and Mattie._

_"Smile guys!" Chad says and they bunch together. Elliot with his arm around Liv, who is holding Mattie, Maureen and Kathleen standing in front of and to the side of them and Richard and Elizabeth kneeling in front of them. They all turn towards Mattie and grin._

_"Happy Birthday Matthew!" The camera shakes for a second and then goes black._

_**Video Ends**_

I grin and snuggle into Uncle Elliot, "I'm tired. Can I sleep with you tonight? With Mommy's pillow?"

"Sure." He smiles at me and we head to his bedroom. I fall asleep with Uncle Elliot holing me, Mommy's pillow under my head and her picture staring back at me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.**

**Author's Note: I know, I know, it's been literally FOREVER since I've updated this thing and I know you all like, hate me. But here it is. I hope it eases some of your fears about this story.**

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

**July 23, 2011**

**West Gerald St Apt 105B**

**8:20 AM**

"Mommmmmma!" I hear my three year old daughter come screeching into our new apartment in Manhattan and I smile.

"Hey Boo. Whatcha doin'?" I ask her and ruffle her light brown hair.

"Gettin' ready for pre-school. What'd ya _think_ I was doin'?" Taylor Elaine Benson. My baby girl.

" Well come on Miss Priss. Let's finish getting you ready. Ponytail or pigtails?"

"Hmmm….." She scrunches up her nose looking like a little replica of me other than her bright cerulean blue eyes. "Ponytail. With a zig-zag part. Hey Momma?"

"Yea Boo?" I tilt her head back and begin working on her part as she talks.

"You said I have a brother and Daddy and Grandpa and aunts and uncles that live here. Do I getta meet 'em?" I freeze while pulling her hair back.

Jesus, three and a half years I've been gone. Witness Protection locked me up in God-forbidden Nebraska all this time. I hadn't known I was pregnant until they told me at the hospital I woke up in. I immediately demanded to see Elliot and Matthew but they said I couldn't. Three days later they shipped me off t Nebraska. I read my obituary while the plane was taking off.

"Yea Baby. You can meet them." I blurt out before I know what I'm saying. Oh holy mother of God. What have I gotten myself into?

**July 23, 1011**

**1-6 Precinct Special Victims Unit**

**3:45 PM**

After almost twenty minutes of begging me while I sat in front of her pre-school Taylor finally convinced me to let her meet her family.

So here we stood in front of the SVU Squadroom. I had Taylor on my hip and I was staring at both old and new faces striding by the door and not noticing me.

Of course I probably wouldn't notice me either. I don't really look the same as I did when I left. Back then I had shoulder length auburn hair and was rail thin. Now I have my natural hair color back, medium brown, and I have more curves than I did. Motherhood filled me out, and not in a bad way.

Suddenly I was stunned into immobilization. Elliot, Don and Matthew walked by the door with some woman at their side. Elliot's girlfriend? Wife? Matthew's step-mom? Oh God.

And then I heard it. "Oh my GOD! Olivia?!?!?!"


	4. Chapter 4

I turn to see Fin Tutuola standing behind me with a pale face looking like he's seen….well, a ghost. Which I guess to them I kind of would be, I smile and as soon as I do he grabs me in a big brotherly bear hug and squeezes me so tight I can't breath but finally lets go when Taylor squeals.

"Jeez Mister. Tryin' tah kill me?" I hear my angelic looking little three year old drawl out sounding southern. Did I mention Dana Lewis, aka Star, lived with us while we were in Nebraska? I didn't? Well she did. And if you heard some of the phrases my daughter uses you'd know it in a heartbeat.

"Sorry uh…." Fin pauses looking to me and silently asking who my baby is but before I have a chance to speak up the kid makes herself known.

"I'm Taylaw Ewaine Benson. I'm twee yeas owd and I was bowned in Lincoln, Nebwaska." I clamp a hand over her mouth to make her stop talking. My little girl is a bit of a chatter box and it's annoying without the three year old speech but with it it's horrible. And the stutters and lisps come out even more around new people.

"She means her name is Taylor Elaine Benson, she's three years old and she was born in Lincoln, Nebraska. Incase you didn't get all of that in three year old form." I smile as Fin laughs and suddenly I feel stares on my back.

I turn to see almost everyone in the hall in front of the SVU doors staring at me in shock. Some of the new faces are being whispered to by old ones and apparently my story is being told all around us.

I put my hand up in a slight wave, "Hi." And I'm rushed like a football player ten feet from the touch down with the ball in his hand.

"OLIVIA!" Casey, Alex and Melinda all grab onto me as tightly as they possibly can and Taylor starts squealing loudly as I laugh.

"Hey guys." I shift Taylor around a bit to where she's not completely squished and smile at my long-lost best friends/sisters.

"Where have you been?!?!?!?!" Casey practically screams when they let go of me,

"Uh…Nebraska. How 'bout you?" I smirk and it earns me a watery smile.

"Here. And you missed Alex's homecoming. And the birth of your namesakes. And my marriage. And a whole crap-load of stuff you shoulda been here for!" I feel tears form in my eyes as they start rolling down her cheeks as well as Alex and Melinda and I can even see Fin and John, who has come to stand beside us, eyes welling up.

"I'm so sorry Case. I missed you guys so much."

"Yea well we missed you more. I'm married to John and Olivia and Oliver are about Taylor's age. We call them Ollie and Livvie. And Alex and Trevor Langden have been dating for the past two years. And Mel and I swear he's gonna propose soon and well….oh Lord we've gotta have a girls' night!" We all laugh and even though I'm stunned over the kids and Alex and Trevor and Casey and John I kind of knew it would all happen someday. I just hoped I'd be here to witness it.

"Liv?" Oh boy. Elliot.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Hey! Miss me? Yea, you did. Read it. Review it. Gimme some love!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine!**

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

"Hey El." I smile a little bit and he stands there looking completely stunned. Then he smiles so big I think his face might split. I pass Taylor to Alex and run to him wrapping my arms aound his neck as he swings me around in his arms.

"Oh my God Liv." He pulls back but keeps me pressed against him and his hands frame my face. " Where've you been? What happened? I...Mattie...We...We thought you were dead."

Hearing my son's name I sob and cling to him burying my head in his shoulder. "Hey. Hey Liv, it's okay. It's alright." He holds me close and whispers reassurances in my ear.

"We need to talk." I mutter and he nods leading me upstairs knowing I trust Taylor with the extended family.

He sits on a bunk and pulls me down beside him. "So...?"

I sigh and drop my head to his shoulder. "I was in Witness Protection. Because of Oregon basically. One of the men I worked with found out I was a cop here and placed a hit out on me. The Feds found out and pulled me into Witness Protection. I lived in Nebraska with Dana. Had Taylor about eight months later. And well...that's about it."

"And Taylor? Whose is she? Wait...eight months?" I can practically see the wheels in his head churning. "That means you were...you were pregnant before you left?"

I nod a little and take a deep breath, not quite ready to explain. "Yea. She's..."

The door to the cribs flies open and I see a ball of energy in the opening. "Uncle Ellie! Grandpa said you had a surprise for me!"

I slowly stand up and whisper to Mattie. "Hi Matthew."

His big brown eyes identical to mine get wide. "Mommy?"


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Nope

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine.**

**Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long but I'm wrapped up in my new story Coming Home, which is AO, my new addiction. But I knew I couldn't just let this story go so here ya go. Hope it's okay.**

_**Olivia's POV**_

My son's eyes are wide and confused but I see joy etched into his chocolate orbs too. At his innocent question I nod and he grins.

"MOMMY!" Running quickly into my arms he leaps and we topple onto the bed in a tangle of limbs giggling in elation.

"Hey, can Daddy get in on the hug fest too?" Elliot asks and I feel little Mattie's body tense as he rolls to face his father.

Uh oh.

Now I remember hearing Matt call Elliot "Uncle Ellie" when he came in but it didn't really hit me until now that Elliot still hadn't revealed himself as Matthew's father.

"Yea Buddy, I'm your Dad. I'm so sorry I haven't told you before Buddy but I had my reasons." Elliot sighs and reaches over to pat Mattie on the head but winces when Mattie pulls back burrowing farther into my arms.

"Go away." Matthew's voice is cold and hard, so much like I know both mine and Elliot's can be when we're hurt or angry. Elliot sighs and opens his mouth to speak when I feel Mattie nearly growl in my arms and repeat himself, "Go. Away. Now."

Elliot bites his bottom lip and I can see tears forming in his eyes but he stands and exits the cribs.

After almost an hour in the crib trying to calm my son we exit hand in hand and head back downstairs.

"Mommy!" Taylor yelps and runs to me jumping in my arms and giggling. "Aunt Lexi is funny Momma! She lemme put on her shoes!" I chuckle and smile at Alex conveying the thank you in my eyes. She nods and smiles back then holds her hand up to her ear with her pinkie and thumb extended and shakes it indicating that I need to call her. I nod slightly and she walks over hugging Mattie then Taylor and I.

"Bye bye Aunt Lexi! You come over and play with me 'kay?" Taylor's big eyes sparkle and Alex nods kissing her forehead.

"I'll come see you later Punky. Have your Mommy call me, m'kay?" Tay and I bother nod and Alex smiles once again before kissing my cheek along with Taylor's and taking her leave.

"Momma, who's dat?" Taylor points at Mattie and I sigh to myself before kneeling down so they're eye level to one another.

"Tay, this is Matthew, your brother. Mattie, this is your sister Taylor." I watch as both of their faces contort in confusion until Taylor slowly smiles making Matthew smile along with her.

"Hi." Taylor whispers and Mattie giggles.

"Hi."

I smile and sit Tay down beside Mattie and stand watching as they instantly connect. Sibling rivalry will soon set in, I'm sure, but for now they're happy to have someone to play and interact with who is their own age.

"Liv, can I talk to you?" I turn to face Don, my surrogate father, and nod smiling.

"Sure." I glance at Fin and he nods indication that he'll watch the kids and I follow Don into his office. As soon as the door closes he pulls me into a hug and we both break down in tears.

Twenty minutes and what I'm sure was gallons of tears we step back into the squad room. I smile as I see both Matthew and Taylor on Elliot's lap coloring in Nickelodeon coloring books.

"Hey Punkies." I grin at them and they both smile at me and Tay jumps into my arms quickly followed by her brother.

"Mom! I colored you a picture!" Mattie holds up a Go Diego! Go! picture and I grin as a Dora the Explorer picture pops up beside it from Taylor.

"Me too!"

I laugh and kiss both their foreheads. "Thank you very much Babies. I love them. I'll make sure they'll both go up on the refrigerator as soon as I get home."

Mattie frowns at this and I smile reassuringly at him. "What's the matter Bub?" He sighs and shrugs which instantly bothers me so I sit in my old chair and seat both he and Taylor on my lap.

"Baby tell me what's wrong."

"I just…" He pauses and buries his head in my neck. "Do I getta come over to your house?"

I sigh, thankful it's nothing more serious and kiss the top of his head. "Anytime Baby, anytime."

He looks up at me and smiles and I smile back and then glance at Tay making sure she knows she's still included and she smiles too.

Elliot stands in front of us smiling and picks up Taylor kissing her cheek as she grins. "How about some dinner?"

We all smile and nod at him and stand, grabbing our things. Half way to the door I stop dead in my tracks spotting a familiar face that I'd rather never see again.

"Olivia, Baby, I found you!"


End file.
